High-intensity, ultrashort laser sources are a foundational pillar for High-Energy-Density (HED) physics, and as the repetition rates of these systems increase, diagnostics must be developed to match their data collection speed. Characterization of any spatiotemporal distortions in the laser pulse is necessary to standardize results across facilities. We have previously developed a laser diagnostic called spatially and temporally resolved intensity and phase evaluation device: full information from a single hologram, or STRIPED FISH, to measure the full spatiotemporal laser electric field on a single shot. In order to provide rapid feedback, we here adapt the STRIPED FISH retrieval algorithm, which typically has computation times of up to 30 min due to the high spatial resolution of the device and its retrieval of the complete four-dimensional pulse field, to distill the key electric field quantities into a handful of scalars for rapid assessment of the pulse's 1st-order distortions. Here, our new, rapid non-iterative retrieval algorithm is validated with simulated and experimental data, and it provides, within seconds, the same 1st-order information as given by the full analysis. This algorithm is suitable for on-shot assessment of spatiotemporal distortions and can be adapted to assess high repetition-rate laser quality in HED experiments.